i spent last weekend in manhattan and brooklyn working. it was good, but it was hard. having felt like we ran away in the middle of the night, coming back so soon was almost surreal and it's not something i have completely digested. walking through central park last week i found myself struggling to keep the sobs racking my chest at bay... the question "what the hell am i doing leaving?" drumming in my ears.
i have been absent in this space quite a bit and this post by susannah today really resonated with me. for a long time i had decided that this was my happy place - it was a place i could write and interact that was a positive and uplifting space; that if i was not in the right head space - it was better not to write at all. it's not that i wanted to paint a false picture of perfection - that my life was not stressful or we that we don't have struggles of our own. it was that i looked at writing here as an affirmation exercise; "i WILL be a better mother" - "i WILL work harder and live better." and in some ways it has worked well for me - but i have also realized through these last very stressful months that i have been unable to write. unable to really share what all of this has meant on so many levels - my relationship with my mother, my daily interactions with my daughters, the rarity of seeing my husband, the unknown that lies before us and the admission that while i am always up for an adventure i am fucking exhausted and so emotionally drained that i am not sure how i am still standing right now. the thought of at what point i will break - will it be ugly - will i say or do something i regret when that tide over flows - the one in which the sandbags may not be able to hold much longer.
when we get to asheville next month we have so much to do - we are painting everything, we are refurbishing the kitchen, striping rooms and rooms of wallpaper - i should be looking forward to this - but i just want it done. one thing about myself that i am always trying to work on - something i try to focus on in this space is "enjoying the journey". but when that journey is forced upon you - it's okay to feel a little resentful, isn't it? at the same time i am trying really hard to harness the positive in my life and work, to attract the good things and banish the negative thoughts - it's a lot to juggle. my friend joey hoffman - an incredible writer and mother once shared something with me... "there's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." i will let you know when i crack.
