as we age i think we become more and more aware that life is anything but black and white.  we tend to see things, if not in technicolor, in shades of gray.  there are obviously moral and ethical rights and wrongs that for the most part remain unquestioned in our minds, but life in general - the everyday - is becoming less and less about absolutes.  

i am feeling overwhelmed with confusion and emotion about what shall ever-after be termed as "Our Little Project".  my anxiety is reaching levels that i have not experienced since last trying to sell our home when i was 7 months pregnant {not a bright idea for anyone who might think otherwise}.  as you can imagine, a great deal of this stress is coming from the fact that our house has yet to sell - but it's not just us, nothing is really selling right now.  so, me, being all sorts of the over-thinking type, begins to wonder if Our Little Project is ill-fated.  i turn it over and over in my head - is this a sign, are we not supposed to be leaving Omaha - why can we not free ourselves from that house?  i love the house, i love the house so very much, so it makes the questions that much more difficult to turn over in my mind.  and then there is Italy - that was the plan after all.  so at what point do you say, never mind.  or do you say - we shall charge ahead the uncharted road and see what could happen? 

stepping back, i can see with a touch of clarity that i need to do something, i am unsure what - that part is still a very rainy day - but it is so hard for me right now to just let go - i need some control over the situation and i think i may know where to find it:  in our pj days.  our pj days started as a weekend tradition in the winter - but they have crept up on us again like a winter frost - we are aching to shake the icy frost from our limbs.  so i am making a concious effort to get everyone dressed in the morning and out of the house everyday, whether for a walk, a trip to the grocers or an afternoon at the zoo.  it is my diversion as to not obsessing about everything else going on and reiterates to my girls that all is right and we will find happiness, joy and fulfillment wherever we are in the world.

xoox~jla

p.s. i am re-reading this and it sounds so scattered - i am sorry - i just needed to out it into words.

Comments

[Anna]

I understand this process. As we discuss future and plans, and making large (and small) 'leaps' - we wonder if it's the 'right' thing. The simple anticipation of pursuing a dream is so intoxicating. On the other hand, the actual process of it seems daunting and is easily questioned. Wherever you guys land, it sounds like you are in a good spot - that the reality of being a joyful family no matter where is the goal. Don't get discouraged! Maybe it will be later then planned, but you'll get there! Thanks for sharing...it's encouraging to hear this process 'out loud.' Best,Anna

[Annie]

I know our move is only one state away, but I understand. We've both wanted to leave here for years separately and now together and we are still filled with anxiety and doubt.

Too many "What Ifs", worst case scenarios and wondering if this is the right thing. The unknown scares the crap out of me usually, but I also understand (in theory mostly) that I won't know until I try. So after a massage yesterday (I tore the hell out of my shoulders with stress last week) released a lot of that stress and I'm refusing to let the anxiety take over again.

Well, I'm sure it will again but I'm going to fight it and keep my eye forward, where I want to go.

[Alicia A.]

It all sounds so exciting and terrifying, and so incredibly dreamy to me. But more like an abstract daydream. I cannot even fathom what it would really feel like to pick up and move countries.

Wherever your path takes you, I only wish you the best of luck.

(On a more practical note, would renting out the house be a possibility? So that if you need to return, you could?)

[The Bitter Foodie]

I hear you, Jen.

What you're feeling is entirely warranted, and perhaps should have been expected.

In my world, being faced with these challenges and doubts very rarely result in a wrong decision being made. If anything, they force you to be more creative and flexible in ways you never thought possible.

Situations like this are always tough, tricky, very rarely romantic, and may require revisions along the way.

Relax, keep an open mind regarding solutions and compromises, have a glass (or two) of wine, try to enjoy the process, and keep it real.

What an amazingly fabulous problem you have! We should all be so blessed!

[the Farmer's Wife]

It doesn't sound scattered at all, it just sounds like you're turning things over and examining all the possibilities.

Your project sounds wonderful, exciting, romantic and simply a fabulous adventure. As you are finding it can also be incredibly stressful to make the dream come true. I assume that you, or your husband are able to work anywhere in the world. It doesn't matter where you are living, is that correct? Because I can tell you for a fact that moving to your dream location without a viable way to make a good living makes for a very difficult situation. You learn very quickly that you can't eat the scenery.

All I will say is that visiting a place and living there are two different animals. Bottom line is that you must listen to your heart and pay attention to the way things are going. Sometimes roadblocks are not a bad thing. They allow us to take time moving them aside and proceed with greater clarity.

And sometimes the best answer is, "Oh, what the hell."

- Suzanne, the Farmer's Wife

[Kelly]

I didn't realize we live in the same city!

I think it's normal to question it. I don't think the house not selling means you shouldn't go though. It's just what things are like right now, not a sign of what is to be.

[nicole]

let's move together and we'll hold hands on the plane. hold on to your faith, you'll know what to do. xo

[Delia]

I've always heard that it's better to regret the things you've done, than the things you didn't do. That has echoed in my mind many times when I thought about changing my plans. It's not that you 'give up', you simply reassess the situation and modify accordingly.

Pursuing a dream is never easy, that's why it's called 'pursuing a dream'. Sometimes, it's a lifelong process that takes time.

Scattered with my own thoughts,
Delia

[cindy k]

i hear you.

[Kristen]

Wherever we find ourselves is where we are meant to be. Sometimes we want out of the situation we find ourselves in b/c it isn't comfortable or it doesn't feel "normal". Wiggle around, find your seating and make this experience, this present moment experience, your own. It doesn't have to painful. You have Choice and it sounds as though you are aware of this.

[Mischa]

This makes perfect sense to me. Whenever I explain to someone how uncertain I am about my future plans, they say "It's such an exciting time for you!" But it doesn't feel exciting, it just feels uncertain. Looking back to other uncertain times, they feel exciting now, so I have to keep that in mind as I worry (daily) about the future. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one!!

[Mandy Saile]

Your honesty about your confusion is beautiful, please do keep sharing...your thoughts were not scattered at all, infact they seemed to make perfect sense to me. I completely understand your want and need for some sort of control over your current situation, but I guess in the end the only thing we ever have control over is whether we let a situation get us down and keep us down or see brighter things in the present and future. I can so understand your loving your home so much that your having a hard time to leave. Allow yourself doubt but know that you'll come out on the other side stronger, whether you stay where you are or whether you do end up in Italy, in my opinion it's brave to pick up and go and it's also brave to stay and remain in your present bliss. I am once again so touched not only by your beautiful photography but by your honest soul. Be Well and Good Luck in your search. Mandy

[kosenrufu mama]

i can image your confusion, but surely everything will be ok ;)

[jen]

anna – thank you so much – I know that you are struggling with taking such a momentous step as well – and you are right – being a joyous family no matter what is the most important thing in the world. xoox

annie – I am so happy for you, it sounds like everything is falling into place so beautifully – it was meant to be – I can’t wait to see photos of the new place! and thank you so much – I need to remember not to let the anxiety strangle me! ;) xoox

alicia – yes – that is one of our thoughts, but it seems like another thing to stress about all the time! lol! xoox

TBF – thank you so much – yes, I have been indulging in more gimlets than usual ;) but you are so right, things are not always as easy as we think they may be when we get started – and flexibility is something I am slowly getting better yet – maybe this is just a challenge in how far I can stretch! ;) xoox

suzanna – I love your outlook! we lived in italy for sometime and yes, we have means of an income wherever we go – thank you – I could not imagine just picking up and moving without a thought of that – then again, if I was 20 again without children – I might just do something crazy like that! the problem is that I am stuck somewhere right in the middle of “proceed with caution” and “oh what the hell!” lol! ;) xoox

kelly – thank you for the positive reinforcement Kelly – truly it has not been that long that the house has been on the market. but when you plan these thing, you just expect everything to fall in line in a timely manner! ;) xoox

nicole – let’s. will you come with me and teach me to garden? I am so inspired by what you and your husband are doing right now – and thank you for the support sweet friend… xoox

delia – I had to read your comment over and over again. the first time, it was like a light in the back of my mind beginning to glow; I read it again and again and it burned brighter and brighter. yes – just because it may not work out right now does not mean it won’t work in a year or two – thank you for that clarity. it is strange sometimes that such an obvious thought and can be so blinded in your own mind. thank you, thank you. xoox

cindy – thank you, xoox

kristen – thank you for the reminder – life is about right now – and the more we live in the everyday, the better our future outlook – thank you… xoox

mischa – yes – we will encourage each other to see the excitement in these times, not that apprehension! ;) xoox
mandy – so beautiful – full of love and support. I can’t thank you enough. that is what I need to realize – that regardless of where we end up it is not only for a reason, but one that will fill our lives with joy. xoox

kosenrufu – thank you so much - xoox

[Jen]

Uncertainty is not comforting at all. I can relate to this. But if it controls you, then you miss out on the wonder around you. Try to live life like your girls do. Especially right now, when the "waiting" is so hard. Diversion is good. I think everyone needs it in a day. Thanks for the reminder.

[emily]

i am in awe of your courage and decisiveness in making the move. i have plenty of plans sitting on the desk waiting for the right moment. but we make those moments, don't we? they don't generally fall into our laps. and it takes courage to make them.

i say - hard as it is - don't let the house-not-selling be, necessarily, a sign from the universe that you shouldn't go. try to see it as a hurdle to be overcome before you do go. hard as it is.

[dawn]

I feel you. I've been there too often myself. You'll find your path. Love, djo