i spent last weekend in manhattan and brooklyn working.  it was good, but it was hard.  having felt like we ran away in the middle of the night, coming back so soon was almost surreal and it's not something i have completely digested.  walking through central park last week i found myself struggling to keep the sobs racking my chest at bay... the question "what the hell am i doing leaving?" drumming in my ears.

i have been absent in this space quite a bit and this post by susannah today really resonated with me.  for a long time i had decided that this was my happy place - it was a place i could write and interact that was a positive and uplifting space; that if i was not in the right head space - it was better not to write at all.  it's not that i wanted to paint a false picture of perfection - that my life was not stressful or we that we don't have struggles of our own.  it was that i looked at writing here as an affirmation exercise; "i WILL be a better mother" - "i WILL work harder and live better."  and in some ways it has worked well for me - but i have also realized through these last very stressful months that i have been unable to write. unable to really share what all of this has meant on so many levels - my relationship with my mother, my daily interactions with my daughters, the rarity of seeing my husband, the unknown that lies before us and the admission that while i am always up for an adventure i am fucking exhausted and so emotionally drained that i am not sure how i am still standing right now.  the thought of at what point i will break - will it be ugly - will i say or do something i regret when that tide over flows - the one in which the sandbags may not be able to hold much longer.

when we get to asheville next month we have so much to do - we are painting everything, we are refurbishing the kitchen, striping rooms and rooms of wallpaper - i should be looking forward to this - but i just want it done.  one thing about myself that i am always trying to work on - something i try to focus on in this space is "enjoying the journey".  but when that journey is forced upon you - it's okay to feel a little resentful, isn't it?  at the same time i am trying really hard to harness the positive in my life and work, to attract the good things and banish the negative thoughts - it's a lot to juggle.  my friend joey hoffman - an incredible writer and mother once shared something with me... "there's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."  i will let you know when i crack.  

Comments

[beth]

i loved what susannah wrote....it was what i want to write. what i want others to know. but feel that i can't. so i commented.

and then today you write beautiful and ugly heartfelt words that are open enough to fall into and i think okay, it's my turn next. it's my turn to share more of the not so great because lord knows, nothing is ever a bed of roses without a few thorns jabbing you in the back.

[Elisabeth]

In a real, lived life, stress will always be unavoidable. Jen, you're lucky enough to have decided to live a life FULL of the real. Even though it's said that bad situations come in 3s, sometimes they come in 17s! Your Shitty Spell of Stress *will* give way soon.

[Brittany]

feel everything, because there isn't an emotion you "shouldn't" be feeling right now. you have the right to feel however you do at this time in your life. and remember, REMEMBER constantly that it will get better, it will get better, it WILL get better. <3

[Jen]

this last month has been trying...but that quote is so awesome, so, so awesome. I am always thinking of you friend. xoxo

[brooke]

I wish I knew the perfect thing to say, but then, we never do know what that thing is.

I'm glad you shared your thoughts.

[Yui]

your blog has brought light to my world for a few years now, and undoubtedly done the same for many other individuals scattered everywhere, who cant find beauty, joy or hope in their day, but find it on the internet through you.

Thank you for these gifts.

I don't think that writing something happy though, should be an obligation. even though your readers may come to you for beauty, joy, and hope, it does not mean that we won't necessarily not see it, even if you write that you are tired, and show us a picture of a drain or a dead bird or something. you'd be surprised. if anything, this blog should be a release for you, all the parts of you.

I don't know you at all, but it pains me to know that you are worn down and unhappy and on the verge of cracking. I know that when this happens to me, and it has increasingly in the past year, sometimes the simplest thing you can do is just something for yourself. don't exclude the kindness that you treat others around you (and online) with, from yourself.
Perhaps, right now, even for half a day, you deserve that much much more.

Hope it all get better sooner than later. Yui from Australia. xo

[vasu]

beautiful....thanx for sharing

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[Thesetenderhooks.blogspot.com]

Jen, I often times feel on the verge on breaking with all the stresses of daily life, too, they can really pile up
...then along comes a big conflict, or major challenge, and I just about feel so overwhelmed that I become frozen. A frozen zombie of a mother. I know that my little Bee is the one who suffers most when I am in a state like this, and it is that thought which usually helps me to lift my chin up and pull myself together.

A small thing gets resolved, and then another small thing...then the big thing loses some of it's edge. I wish I could meet you in-person, I think we could really have a nice chat. Take care, I am sending you good energy vibes. xoxo

[Cheryl]

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."
Leonard Cohen, Anthem

Remember that we shouldn't try to be perfect. Life is messy and the path is winding. A perfect life after all is never that interesting anyway!